I do not steal my butt paper.

I hate Walmart. There, I said it.

I especially hate going grocery shopping there, but I'm all about the cheapness of food. I don't like spending money on food when it can go to more important things like, oh say, Gymbo or Gap. But, I'll put up with the bullshit that is Walmart to save a few bucks but this doesn't mean I can't bitch about it. Right?

First off, people please move your fucking carts out of the way. Seriously, if you are taking your sweet time deciding between Ragu or Prego, kindly shove your cart to the side. Don't leave it in the middle of the aisle and restrict the other shoppers from grabbing their Ragu and busting the hell up outta there. And further more, don't get all butt-hurt when I politely say excuse me. Because if you wanna get like that, I will politely knock you in the side of the head with a can of baked beans. I won't actually do that, but the scenario looks pretty sweet in my head.

The lines, the fucking lines!! Why on God's green earth are there 25 registers and only 3 open? It makes no sense! And you know that at least 1 cashier out of those 3 are gonna be all up in your business. Please don't examine every item that passes through your hands and be all, "Where did you find this, I need to try it!" Mmkay, lady..you work here. Figure it out on your own because I have shit to do.

I think you have to be over the age of 60 to even be considered for the position of a Walmart greeter. Now, I have nothing against the greeters. But when I'm walking out of there with a cart full of groceries all bagged up, for the love of molasses don't stop me and ask to see my receipt verifying that the 24 pack of Charmin under the cart was indeed paid for. That shit don't fit in a bag. I do not steal my butt paper.

Why is it that the day you decide to go grocery shopping in workout pants and a ball cap, is the same day that you run into every single person you've ever known? I never run into anyone when I'm out looking all kinds of fly. But of course when you see these people, you try to pretend you didn't. But that shit gets blown when they RUN you DOWN screaming your name. Alissa? No, I'm not her, but I hear she just exudes awesomeness. I don't think she'd ever be caught dead in public wearing this. Wrong person, sorry.

The above isn't true. I have to smile and be like, yeah I just got out of the gym. It's total bullshit because I so just crawled my ass out of bed and was like, fuck it. And off to the store I go.